Why Are You So Fashion Concious?

I have two jackets, windbreakers actually, that I love. They are made of microfibre which means they could have been made to imitate any material, natural or synthetic, known to humankind. These happen to be like the finest kid leather ever known to dress a baby goat. And I used to raise goats and delivered many kids so I know whereof I speak. These jackets are so luxurious, but inexpensive. I love these jackets but, sadly, they are destined for the "Diabetes Society" clothing bin. They are comfortable, soft, well-fitted, tailored and attractive but they have to go! I've tried for months to get used to them but it just won't happen.

I can not tolerate the DOUBLE POCKETS! Who is the fashionista who dreamed up these insidious, vexing and infuriating adds-on to what would otherwise be highly desirable articles of clothing? One of these pockets is zippered and the other is not. Any article for which one reaches is in the zippered pouch of the damnable duo. If it is not in the zippered pouch then the zipper must be open and the back of the hand that has reached in scrapes rudely across the tiny, sharp teeth. Whatever I need or want from these pockets is never in the one I reach first. What is the use of these? They are frustrating and aggravating, so, as much as I do love them, they've got to go.

I'm just too P'd O. I'm too P'd O. That is correct. Think about it. What does P.O.'d mean? Nothing. P'd O would be correct. Take mother-in-law, governor-general and court-martial. There would be two mothers-in-law, governors-general or courts-martial. If your mother-in-law owns a car it's your mother-in-law's car. It's the governor-general's house and the court-martial's venue. Nobody knows how to use apostrophes these days. They are used for possessive cases, some plural possessives and contractions. That is the lady's car. Those are the ladies' cars. Don't take any wooden nickles. There is no apostrophe in a simple plural case.

Remember when Timmy used to say to his Mom, "Porky and me are going over to the old well and we'll try not to fall in?" Mom always corrected him and said, "Porky and "I" are going to the old well and it's O.K. if you fall in because Lassie will come and get Gramps and me to rescue you." Mom used "me" correctly, in the objective case.

Why Are You So Confused?

Allow me to clear up a few things for you.

It's not very complicated and doesn't take a lot of your time. If you haven't donated to Haiti relief yet go to the nearest mirror and see if you can stand to look at yourself.

Remember when English grammar was taught in school and parts of speech were important? Prorogue is a verb or an action word that Archie Bunker may have used in the context of, "Prorogue yourself Edith." Pro is an adjective and is an abbreviation of professional, meaning highly skilled. Rogue is a noun and means a mischievous person. A Pro Rogue is a Prime Minister. More grammar lessons to come.

If you're going to "Pie" someone you should at least have the decency to use an appropriate flavour. This means that tofu should never be used, ever, for anything except "safe" hockey pucks. (I would still have all my teeth if we'd had tofu hockey pucks when I was a kid.) Shouldn't PETA have opted for a suitable flavour for a Minister of the Crown in charge of the seal hunt? Something like seal flipper pie would have made the point much more strongly and would have been less offensive.

Speaking of hockey, you know you don't have to like it to be Canadian, eh? There are no hockey questions on the Citizenship test.

Quitting smoking may be the hardest thing you will ever do but it will be the most rewarding for yourself and all those friends and family around you. Whatever you may be going through right now remember that you only want to go through it once. Don't quit more than once.